'Are You Nervous'

This is the 4th of 6 Posts

'Are you nervous'

The PA (physicians assistant) asked in a nice way to Stephanie once we are in the examination room.

'Yes I am'  Stephanie says.

He tells us the doctor will be here shortly

Today we are at the Hunstman Cancer Institute.   It is the official 'You have cancer' day.  The first blood tests and Pathology is back. Stephanie is feeling pain in her knee and her head.   Stephanie and I talk about the blog.  I ask her if it is ok.  I tell her it feels odd because its so much of 'Tom' and my feelings.  She reassures me that its just the opposite.

She 'loves it' she says.  It shows her how much I love her.

I tell her I have not been very good if the blog tells her that.  She laughs and says 'I love you'

I take for granted that she knows I love her.  I realize again that girls are such a mystery.  I say girls because I have three of them.  Stephanie, Bria, Anna.

The few paragraphs above this line are written while Stephanie and I are waiting for the Doctor.  I couldn't write anymore at the institute.  We are both trying to define what happened.  The words below are written 15 hours later

Another PA just came in.


After about an hour of questions and answers, and pages of paperwork.


'We already know its stage 4'


I say................. wait.. say that again...............what did you just say?   We are here for more tests right.....?
In my mind I thought  she is just talking random things about cancer.  So much of what she would say could roll into several sentences.    


'Its stage 4'  


We were devastated.  Stephanie is lightly crying.  I feel my whole body shutter.  Stephanie puts her hand on my knee.  She keeps it there for so long.  Its like she was protecting me?  I will never forget.

So much of what happened I can't put into words.  We only know this is a battle.

By the end of the day Stephanie is put through a series of tests.  One of them she is laid face down.  Without general anesthesia, like she had for the the other biopsies, they remove bone marrow from her hip.  It was professionally done.   But so invasive........she was awake and they go right for the bone marrow?

We learn that 40 different types of Lymphoma exist.  Its explained that Stephanie's type is Treatable but cannot be cured.  What does that mean?  It becomes clear that over the next several days we need to pray that cancer is not found in more places.  This 'stage collection' will include a PET scan procedure from head to toe.  Once all this data is in place we will get definitive statistics related to this cancer

Even with the stress and tears of the day.  Something wonderful happened.  Its hard to describe now because I am so sad at this new reality.   But at different times during this horrible day.  Stephanie and I would find ourselves laughing..............no tears just laughing.

For the few family and friends who have been directed to this blog.  Both Stephanie and I thank you for your kind and heartfelt words of support.